BearAbby - Advice column for our community of gay chubby men, bears and chasers!

He won't touch me

Saturday, March 06, 2010

Bear Abby,

Bear Abby,
I'm in what is in most ways a wonderful relationship with a really great guy. Although he is 20 years older than me in most ways we are tremendously compatible. We are very affectionate and compatable. He is extremely supportive of all the things I want to try to do in my life. The only place we have a problem is in the bedroom.

He says he is not interested in sex and that his sex drive is basically none gone, but he gets on sex sites and spends literally hours looking at guys. In the meantime he has not touched me below the waist in over a year. The entire time we've been together he has hardly ever touched me ... there. He says it is because he is a top, although a non-functioning top by his own admission. From my side our sex life has been me orally taking care of him and jacking myself off for our entire relationship. Lately, its not even been that. I'm not pushy. I've said "ok, just hold me while I jack off" but lately even that has stopped. He keeps saying he can't. I am feeling like he just won't or decides he just doesn't want to. I don't understand how he can love me - and I know he does - and not want to see me enjoy myself.

It's really beginning to bother me. Not so much that we don't do anything but that he insists that its because he can't. I feel its that he doesn't want to and its that decision that he doesn't want to that hurts so much. I'm feeling unattractive and hurt. We've talked about it so much it feels like a broken record. What can

-Still alive below the waist

Dear Still alive below the waist,

If you feel that he is not being honest and that it's more a question of "won't" than "can't" then you need to make some decisions. If you are going to stay in the relationship then you will have to decide to accept things as they are and live with it or find sexual satisfaction elsewhere. If you decide top play outside the relationship you must be honest with him about it and and about the reasons for it. If you think that you can't go without sex and can't be honest with him if you do go out and get some then you will have to end the relationship. Basically you have those 3 options.

STDs in the Bigger Community

Saturday, March 06, 2010

Bear Abby,

I have genital herpes. I contracted the disease from my last boyfriend who cheated on me multiple times. As a result of getting this disease I went through some depressing days. Now I am ready to get back on the dating wagon and dont know what to do.

I feel that I will be stigmatized by the fact I have this disease. People will be deterred by the fact I have this disease. I rarely have breakouts. I have maybe 1 breakout per year. But because I have this disease I feel that I have become an outcast.

So my question is how do I go about the dating scene? Should I tell them in the beginning or should I wait till I get to know them? And with a good majority of the people I talk to, most want sex on the first date? And sometimes I feel that if I dont then they will not want to see me afterwards. So what should I do? Or how would you go about it?

Thank you for your time.

-Confused Dater

Dear Confused Dater,

I think you should do what a lot of HIV positive guys do. Put it right out there in your personal ad on this and other gay dating websites. This will weed out most of the poeple who have an issue with it. You might be surprised at how many guys contact you and tell you they they too have genital herpes and are relieved to meet another guy who has it so it's not longer an issue.

If you meet a guy who hasn't seen your online personal ad then take all appropriate precautions and start the coversation by saying something like "because STDs are a fact of life before we play, can we talk about anything either of us might have been exposed to?" If the guy is receptive the conversation then be honest. If he's not then you shouldn't be having sex with him anyway.

Why am i so into him ?

Saturday, March 06, 2010

Bear Abby,

Hello there
Well here is my situation. I met a guy on here the end of last year. He has come to visit me a couple times (as he has family in the area). In the beginning we used to text a lot and chat online a lot. And now that has dwindled. So I did find out that he became frustrated because he says that I become quiet when I am around him, that there is no conversation. And I was finally able to tell him that it’s because I like him so much and that is why I get tongue tied. I mean to me he is so good-looking and smart and all that stuff. So my questions are why do I get tongue tied with him and how can I fix it? And how do I go about finding out if this is something he is interested in or just doing while he is in town. I wish there was a chat forum to talk about this because I am so confused and it is with him only. Please help me get my head straight because I am worth more then being goo-goo over him and really into him ?

-crazy confused and quiet

Dear crazy confused and quiet ,

This is a difficult thing to advise you on. There could be many causes for you to respond this way. My biggest concern is that you might be responding this way because you feel deep down that you don't deserve someone as "great" as he is. If this is the case then you need to learn to value yourself more than you do.

Of course it may be nothing more than a shy nature. If shyness is part of your personality then it is up to him to learn to accept you as you are if he wants to have a relationship with you. ONce you figure out hte underlying cause of this response to him, I think you need to discuss it with him directly. That's the only way you'll get a sense of what his interest and intentions are.

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Bear Abby

He won't touch me

STDs in the Bigger Community

Why am i so into him ?

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