The online community for gay chubs and chasers!




Bear Abby

From ugly dilemmas to sublime annoyances; Bear Abby has advice for all!


What to do about Furry Queens?

Sunday, February 07, 2016

Bear Abby,

hi, I have a question regarding the Bear community specifically. I have been to several bear events here in Dublin, Ireland but more often than not I find that the Bears at these events seem very much huddled in their own groups with no intention of speaking to ANYONE apart from their own gangs. I find them quite rude and to be frank - stuck up!

I go to these get togethers mostly to meet and greet new people and make a few friends cause I'm new to the scene. But most of the time, I could start talking to them with a casual greeting, and try introduce myself to them. They often tend to either turn their backs to me literally! or give one quick response and go back to their friend on the other side of the table I could be standing at. - Very rude to say the least.

Bottom line is this...
What am I doing wrong? How do I get in with these Furry Queens of Bears?! Its very frustrating, at times it almost feels like some sort of internal discrimination against cubs/chasers, like they wont even give you the time of day! I thought the gay community was supposed to be unified with ALL variations within the community! What do I do?

-new kid on the block


Dear new kid on the block,

I am sorry to hear that bear events in Ireland are so clique-ish. Although I have been to Ireland, I was a teenager at the time and not exposed to gay life there so I don't have any real knowledge of the bear scene in Dublin. Instead of bear events you might want to try to find chub events rather than bear events. I realize that right now the only event listed in Ireland is Bear Feile but you might want to look to other nearby countries and in particular check out European Convergence. Also, you should probably try meeting others online with mobile apps such as GROWLr.



what to do when you fall out of love

Saturday, October 31, 2015

Bear Abby,

Bear Abby,

I am in a terrible situation, I have been with my partner for 15 years, and have fallen out of love with him, lost my "enchantment" if you will. If there is ever any sex, I have to be the one to instigate it, then all it is, is a quick "wham bam, thank ya man", no kissing or cuddling, he just jumps out of bed, takes a shower, in which I surrender to the guest bath, to shower and cry.

I am on ssdi, and several meds that cause many different side effects, and I have thought about suicide a lot ltely, which is one of the side effects of 3 of my meds. I cannot make it on my own, unless I sell all of my possessions and move into a cardboard box, or the "tent city" under the bridge. Please don't take this wrong, I still Love him with all of my heart and soul, but I have fallen out of love, to where I don't feel like I belong, much less feeling like we aren't a couple any more, just "housemates".

Any suggestions? I have suggested we go to counseling, but the last time I brought it up, he pointed to the door and said if he heard on more word about "counseling", then I take what I came with, nothing more, and anything that I have accumulated over the years, and what I can't get into my car, will be destroyed or given away. I have no family, I am the last surviving member of my family, and living here this long, I was never able to make friends, where do I go from here, and what do or should I do?

Thanks for any help

-about to end it all


Dear about to end it all,

You should seek counseling by yourself for depression. The end of a relationship is always painful but what you are describing is the idea that your life without the relationship is worthless. When we look to other people to validate our own existence we doom ourselves to a life of disappointment and pain. None of us is fit to be in a relationship until we are able to be reasonably happy by ourselves first.

If you don't want to be near your partner anymore and can't afford to live alone then find a room mate to share expenses, one that is not a boyfriend. There is always a practical solution for that sort of thing. You are not letting yourself find those solutions because you are so depressed. Deal with the depression and you will then have a chance of resolving your practical issues.



Intense sexual connection ... were does it go from here?

Friday, September 18, 2015

Bear Abby,

I recently met and hooked up with a guy here on BC. We've met 3 time for a casual sex, and every time, the sex has been increasingly intense, long lasting, and mind blowing. The most recent encounter ended with us just laying in each others arms for 20 minutes in silence in our post sex haze after out 2 hours of love making. I've never felt this with anybody, ever in my life.

I've talked with him about this outside of the bedroom and he agrees with me that he's never experienced anything like what we have sexually. For me, it really does go beyond just having sex, into love making.

Because of the uncharted territory we're in, I'm really interested in getting to know him better and see if there is a future for us. It's complicated because we're both Bi and have been in previous LTR with women. Which makes most of our lives outside of the bedroom very straight acting. It would mean having to come out to more people and in more situation and possibly having long term conflict/changes with friends and family.

I've asked him out on a lunch date and asked him if he thought this might go somewhere beyond the bedroom. He' open to the lunch date, but he said that he didn't have any expectations for us, but was open to what comes. What does that even mean?

I'm ok with the casual nature of out relationship, but if that's all it's going to be, I'd like for him to tell me straight up. Because otherwise, it's hard not think of what could be. Am I asking to much?

-Intense sex


Dear Intense sex,

I don't think you are asking too much. I think you are asking for it too soon. You need to get him to tell you what he wants from this relationship, not what he expects. if your wants and his match up, you have a chance. If not then one of you needs to adjust or it will eventually end. Relax, see him as often as possible and see where it leads.

This column is for entertainment purposes only, and should only be used in that context. The advice presented here is only the opinion of the author and should not be construed as professional or expert advice. The owners of this site and authors are not responsible for the decisions you make in your own life including those based on any advice presented on this site.
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