BearAbby - Advice column for our community of gay chubby men, bears and chasers!

Why do chasers in relationships lie so well?

Thursday, February 02, 2012

Bear Abby,

This is so awkward for me to write. Ive been a member of bc for a number of years. As well I am in a committed married male to male relationship. Ive had problems with my man cheating and talking to people. When ive confromted him he always rationalizes and minimizes it. Its to the point the trust is almost gone and just when I think I,can trust again somethimg always comes up. A facebook lie, a yahoo imstant message conversation. But as one person pointed out to me recently have you,ever noticed how your man leaves his bigger city messenger on all the,time and I had not known and he pointed out how he uses his cell and computer to capture all these conversations.

I am so tired of all this hurt I just,want to scream the deceit and dishonesty is more than I can take. So my,question to you besides the fact my man must be terribly insecure how can I find someone out there,who is honest and values a great person. I am a chub but the hurt makes me just not want to,deal with this. I am coming to,grips with the fact that he has used me for years and its now time for me to just get the hell out and give him a taste of reality. What are your suggestions.

He always says trust me im not doing anything wromg but hes always closing his screen hidimg the chats so I am not stupid.

Hurt and sick of it all.

-Fed up with the deceit and all

Dear Fed up with the deceit and all,

You are describing the number one reason why male couples split up. Namely that one partner wants monagomy and the other partner does not. One of the most important things couples need to do at the beginning of a relationship is be honest with each other about the issue of open vs. closed relationships. If there is a mismatch the relationship will not last. Both open and closed relationships are perfectly acceptable options but only if both partners are of the same mind on the matter. If not then a painful breakup is inevitable.

A fairly large number of men are quite literally hard wired not to be monagamous. Unfortunatley society has held up monagamy as the only acceptable arrangement for so long that most men who do not want it are afraid to be truthful about it and end up in relationships where they have pretended to be in agreement with monogamy hoping that they can live up to it. Over time they find that it's not in their nature and then they feel trapped and lie about it. I supect that this is the case with your partner. Don't drag out the breakup. Get it over with as quickly and unemotionally as possible.

Stay or Go

Saturday, January 28, 2012

Bear Abby,

I've been with a younger man in a long distance relationship for 1 1/2 years. In the beginning it was so nice and romantic. Now I think his true colors are emerging. He changed his demeanor ever since I've lost my mother last Spring. He kept saying "get over it and move on" while I was in mourning, he didn't wish me a happy birthday in August, and when we are on the phone, he gets calls and tell me to "hold on" and never call me back. Also, I used to buy him things that he needed, but then he asks for more and more. When we do talk on the phone, I'm the one doing most of the talking and he ignores me. Plus, I hear some clicking sounds when we talk and it sounds like he's texting and I also think that he's younger than he says he is. He lives with his parents and they don't know he's gay. Plus different things he tell me just doesn't make sense or add up.

Now, a guy in my section of Brooklyn (he lives 30 mins from me and he's 30 years old; and works as a registered nurse) really likes me and said to me, "I can treat you the way you deserve to be treated." Last year, he came over for dinner and he gave me so much attention that it kind of scared me because no man ever treated me like that. Every chance he got, he pulled me to him and kissed me and his kisses made me weak in my knees. I haven't seen him for a couple of months because I got scared but I really like him. Should I take a chance with the new guy or stay with the long distance guy?

-Hopelessly Devoted

Dear Hopelessly Devoted,

If your gut is telling you that the first guy is using you then he probably is and you should get rid of him. The second guy may or may not be be better, only time will tell. I would say that you should give the new guy a chance but GO SLOW.

Out too fast

Sunday, January 08, 2012

Bear Abby,

I recently quit a job where I could not be out. I have never been out and I am not certain that I am ready to be. Now my partner of 6 years wants me to go to gay bars with him and meet people socially since as he puts it, I dont have an excuse anymore.

Out or not, gay or straight, bars are not my thing. I am not a fan of alcohol although I may have a drink from time to time and I don't mind if someone else wants to have a few socially.

I went to my first Convergence last year here in Boston and met some nice people. Wondering if there are other good ways to be social and meet guys socially (preferably around my age, cute and chubby but not exclusively so) without so much pressure.

-Pacing myself

Dear Pacing myself,

I have tow suggestions for you. First, do some research and see if you can't find some gay clubs in the Boston area that are focused on a specific activity that interests you. Most cities have them. A good place to start to see what's available in your area would be your local GLBT community service center. Second, take your partner's advice and go to a bar once in a while. It's pefrectly OK to order non-alcoholic drinks at a bar and bars are natural gathering places for gay men. He is right about you needing to socialize more with others of your own kind.

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Bear Abby

Why do chasers in relationships lie so well?

Stay or Go

Out too fast

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