The online community for gay chubs and chasers!




Bear Abby

From ugly dilemmas to sublime annoyances; Bear Abby has advice for all!


Nothing More than Feelings

Saturday, August 15, 2015

Bear Abby,

Recently I met a guy on BC and I am often near where he lives for work and each time I have gone there for work we have spent time together at my hotel or one near his place. The last trip I was invited to his house for the weekend and had a fantastic time really getting to know him etc. He lives a considerable distance away from my office about 200 miles and when we parted after spending the weekend at his place I just felt that we had a real connection and was quite sad that I had to leave. I realized that I definitely now had some feelings for him and I decided to hint at that later that night while we were texting as we always texted late in the evenings. He seemed put off by the "us" talk and said he was tired and needed to go to bed. The next day It was bothering me that he couldn't even sort of discuss this and I brought it up again. He said that he could only say that he Likes me and nothing more. I was feeling very upset about this because when we were together he was definitely acting like he had some feelings and he expressed how much he hated that we had to leave each other and how difficult it was for him. I thought that if I nudged him just a bit that he might at least admit to some sort of feelings. I told him that I wanted him to stop texting me until he could admit some feelings for me, I did this because it was frustrating for me. He has broken off all contact with me and does not respond to me now. What do you suggest I do at this point?



Dear MissingHim,

He has made it very clear by his conduct that he enjoys your company but does not want a serious relationship. There is probably nothing you can do that will make him commit. Trying to do so will lead to frustration and hurt. You need to let this one go and move on.

The key to meeting men is to put the odds in your favor. This means casually dating.....A LOT. You need to be prepared to kiss a lot of frogs to find the prince. You also need to go into each date with the expectation that you will have one enjoyable date and probably never see the guy again after that. If you do this long enough you probably will eventually meet the one where everything "clicks". When that happens it will feel like Mr. Right just magically appeared in your life. Until then, if you don't expect the date to go anywhere in the future, you won't be disappointed when that happens.

Finally, you need to learn how to be happy by yourself first. Looking for someone else to provide the happiness in your life that you may feel is lacking is a recipe for dependence and disaster. Also, emotional neediness is definitely a turn off.



Losing My Daddy

Sunday, August 02, 2015

Bear Abby,

Earlier this year I met the worlds most wonderful daddy. We started exchanging messages on here. That went on for a couple of months then we move to video chatting. We did that for a while then we both decided it was time to meet. At this point we were friends. I flew out to meet him and I spent one of the best weeks I have ever had. By the time I came back home I felt like the friendship had gotten a lot better and I started to have feelings for him.
While back home we would talk every day on the phone and it was great. I didn't expect that to happen but I'm glad it did. Through out this time I felt like out friendship was growing even more and my feelings towards him started to grow. There were days I would have bad days at work and just talking to him it made it all go away. We started to talk about the possibility of moving in together. It was an amazing feeling for me because I never thought I would never meet anyone like him and start planning a future together in such a short time.
One day I made a joke about something and he got upset. We had made similar jokes before and he was fine with it. We would both laugh about it. I don't know why this time it was different. I try calling him, texting, messaging him on the sites he's on for a couple of weeks. He never reply to anything. I finally send him a message that I'm going to give him some time to think about what happen. Next thing I knew he blocks me from everything. Now I don't know what to do.
I need your advis

-Cub With Broken Heart


Dear Cub With Broken Heart,

You can't live your life hoping for someone else to make you happy. You have to learn to be happy by yourself first. This is not easy and there is no one sure fire way to do it. If you are dependent on someone else to make your life complete then you will always be disappointed in some way. Each of us us responsible for our own happiness, assuming we don't suffer from clinical depression. Do you have any friends who are perfectly happy being single? If so, talk to that person and try to become like him or her. Ironically, that kind of happiness is attractive to other people and likely to get you more dates. More dates increases the probability of one of them being the right guy for you.

The guy you describe should have at least talked to you to tell you why he was apparently offended instead of just suddenly cutting off all communication. This shows that he is not good relationship material. Even if you were to get back with him he is likely to behave this way again in the future without warning, which would be even more painful if you two were living together. You should let it go and move on.



My partner can't deal

Saturday, July 25, 2015

Bear Abby,

I have been in a relationship with a chaser for 13 years - I relocated 10 years ago from the USA to the UK to be with him. We love each other very much, but over the last two years or so his excessive worries about my weight related health have been a struggle to deal with. I am in good health and lead an active life, but would probably be classed a super chub. I am just getting older (I was 30 when we met, he was 23- now we are 43 and 36) with the normal aches and pains- but for my partner every backache, click and pop is a sign of my oncoming collapse. He has stated he is terrified of becoming a caregiver for me and wants me to undergo a drastic weight loss program under threat of ending the relationship.

I feel this is a violation of the unspoken deal we had when we met- my weight hasn't changed significantly in the last 13 years. While I appreciate he is concerned, isn't part of entering a long term relationship with a chub understanding from the outset that there is the risk of health issues later in life? I'm prepared to support him if something happened to him - and I expect the same consideration. Am I in the wrong? and if not- do you have advice about how to have this conversation with him?



Dear Hurt,

I agree with you that when a chaser enters into a long term relationship with a chub there should be an understanding on the chaser's part that there is a greater likelihood of the chub having more heath issues later in life than non-chubs. I also think that when people enter into relationships they should discus this issue early on when they are still dating and considering taking the relationship further, just as they should have the discussion about monogamy vs. open relationships.

It sounds to me like that like most people in their early 20's he probably was not really thinking about the future when the two of you first started your relationship. As he has matured, the future has probably become much more real to him. I think that your best option in dealing with his concerns is to present whatever evidence you have about your current state of health and then tell him that if you start to experience any serious health issues that cannot easily be treated with medication, you will then and only then consider what he is asking. The idea is to help him understand that to take such a drastic measure now with it's own risks is not prudent but might become prudent in the future if your health worsens.

Finally, he's chaser. Does he believe he will keep his attraction to you if you suddenly become thin?

This column is for entertainment purposes only, and should only be used in that context. The advice presented here is only the opinion of the author and should not be construed as professional or expert advice. The owners of this site and authors are not responsible for the decisions you make in your own life including those based on any advice presented on this site.
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