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Bear Abby

From ugly dilemmas to sublime annoyances; Bear Abby has advice for all!


what to do when you fall out of love

Saturday, October 31, 2015

Bear Abby,

Bear Abby,

I am in a terrible situation, I have been with my partner for 15 years, and have fallen out of love with him, lost my "enchantment" if you will. If there is ever any sex, I have to be the one to instigate it, then all it is, is a quick "wham bam, thank ya man", no kissing or cuddling, he just jumps out of bed, takes a shower, in which I surrender to the guest bath, to shower and cry.

I am on ssdi, and several meds that cause many different side effects, and I have thought about suicide a lot ltely, which is one of the side effects of 3 of my meds. I cannot make it on my own, unless I sell all of my possessions and move into a cardboard box, or the "tent city" under the bridge. Please don't take this wrong, I still Love him with all of my heart and soul, but I have fallen out of love, to where I don't feel like I belong, much less feeling like we aren't a couple any more, just "housemates".

Any suggestions? I have suggested we go to counseling, but the last time I brought it up, he pointed to the door and said if he heard on more word about "counseling", then I take what I came with, nothing more, and anything that I have accumulated over the years, and what I can't get into my car, will be destroyed or given away. I have no family, I am the last surviving member of my family, and living here this long, I was never able to make friends, where do I go from here, and what do or should I do?

Thanks for any help

-about to end it all


Dear about to end it all,

You should seek counseling by yourself for depression. The end of a relationship is always painful but what you are describing is the idea that your life without the relationship is worthless. When we look to other people to validate our own existence we doom ourselves to a life of disappointment and pain. None of us is fit to be in a relationship until we are able to be reasonably happy by ourselves first.

If you don't want to be near your partner anymore and can't afford to live alone then find a room mate to share expenses, one that is not a boyfriend. There is always a practical solution for that sort of thing. You are not letting yourself find those solutions because you are so depressed. Deal with the depression and you will then have a chance of resolving your practical issues.



Intense sexual connection ... were does it go from here?

Friday, September 18, 2015

Bear Abby,

I recently met and hooked up with a guy here on BC. We've met 3 time for a casual sex, and every time, the sex has been increasingly intense, long lasting, and mind blowing. The most recent encounter ended with us just laying in each others arms for 20 minutes in silence in our post sex haze after out 2 hours of love making. I've never felt this with anybody, ever in my life.

I've talked with him about this outside of the bedroom and he agrees with me that he's never experienced anything like what we have sexually. For me, it really does go beyond just having sex, into love making.

Because of the uncharted territory we're in, I'm really interested in getting to know him better and see if there is a future for us. It's complicated because we're both Bi and have been in previous LTR with women. Which makes most of our lives outside of the bedroom very straight acting. It would mean having to come out to more people and in more situation and possibly having long term conflict/changes with friends and family.

I've asked him out on a lunch date and asked him if he thought this might go somewhere beyond the bedroom. He' open to the lunch date, but he said that he didn't have any expectations for us, but was open to what comes. What does that even mean?

I'm ok with the casual nature of out relationship, but if that's all it's going to be, I'd like for him to tell me straight up. Because otherwise, it's hard not think of what could be. Am I asking to much?

-Intense sex


Dear Intense sex,

I don't think you are asking too much. I think you are asking for it too soon. You need to get him to tell you what he wants from this relationship, not what he expects. if your wants and his match up, you have a chance. If not then one of you needs to adjust or it will eventually end. Relax, see him as often as possible and see where it leads.



Nothing More than Feelings

Saturday, August 15, 2015

Bear Abby,

Recently I met a guy on BC and I am often near where he lives for work and each time I have gone there for work we have spent time together at my hotel or one near his place. The last trip I was invited to his house for the weekend and had a fantastic time really getting to know him etc. He lives a considerable distance away from my office about 200 miles and when we parted after spending the weekend at his place I just felt that we had a real connection and was quite sad that I had to leave. I realized that I definitely now had some feelings for him and I decided to hint at that later that night while we were texting as we always texted late in the evenings. He seemed put off by the "us" talk and said he was tired and needed to go to bed. The next day It was bothering me that he couldn't even sort of discuss this and I brought it up again. He said that he could only say that he Likes me and nothing more. I was feeling very upset about this because when we were together he was definitely acting like he had some feelings and he expressed how much he hated that we had to leave each other and how difficult it was for him. I thought that if I nudged him just a bit that he might at least admit to some sort of feelings. I told him that I wanted him to stop texting me until he could admit some feelings for me, I did this because it was frustrating for me. He has broken off all contact with me and does not respond to me now. What do you suggest I do at this point?



Dear MissingHim,

He has made it very clear by his conduct that he enjoys your company but does not want a serious relationship. There is probably nothing you can do that will make him commit. Trying to do so will lead to frustration and hurt. You need to let this one go and move on.

The key to meeting men is to put the odds in your favor. This means casually dating.....A LOT. You need to be prepared to kiss a lot of frogs to find the prince. You also need to go into each date with the expectation that you will have one enjoyable date and probably never see the guy again after that. If you do this long enough you probably will eventually meet the one where everything "clicks". When that happens it will feel like Mr. Right just magically appeared in your life. Until then, if you don't expect the date to go anywhere in the future, you won't be disappointed when that happens.

Finally, you need to learn how to be happy by yourself first. Looking for someone else to provide the happiness in your life that you may feel is lacking is a recipe for dependence and disaster. Also, emotional neediness is definitely a turn off.

This column is for entertainment purposes only, and should only be used in that context. The advice presented here is only the opinion of the author and should not be construed as professional or expert advice. The owners of this site and authors are not responsible for the decisions you make in your own life including those based on any advice presented on this site.
Bulk Male