The online community for gay chubs and chasers!




Bear Abby

From ugly dilemmas to sublime annoyances; Bear Abby has advice for all!


My partner can't deal

Saturday, July 25, 2015

Bear Abby,

I have been in a relationship with a chaser for 13 years - I relocated 10 years ago from the USA to the UK to be with him. We love each other very much, but over the last two years or so his excessive worries about my weight related health have been a struggle to deal with. I am in good health and lead an active life, but would probably be classed a super chub. I am just getting older (I was 30 when we met, he was 23- now we are 43 and 36) with the normal aches and pains- but for my partner every backache, click and pop is a sign of my oncoming collapse. He has stated he is terrified of becoming a caregiver for me and wants me to undergo a drastic weight loss program under threat of ending the relationship.

I feel this is a violation of the unspoken deal we had when we met- my weight hasn't changed significantly in the last 13 years. While I appreciate he is concerned, isn't part of entering a long term relationship with a chub understanding from the outset that there is the risk of health issues later in life? I'm prepared to support him if something happened to him - and I expect the same consideration. Am I in the wrong? and if not- do you have advice about how to have this conversation with him?



Dear Hurt,

I agree with you that when a chaser enters into a long term relationship with a chub there should be an understanding on the chaser's part that there is a greater likelihood of the chub having more heath issues later in life than non-chubs. I also think that when people enter into relationships they should discus this issue early on when they are still dating and considering taking the relationship further, just as they should have the discussion about monogamy vs. open relationships.

It sounds to me like that like most people in their early 20's he probably was not really thinking about the future when the two of you first started your relationship. As he has matured, the future has probably become much more real to him. I think that your best option in dealing with his concerns is to present whatever evidence you have about your current state of health and then tell him that if you start to experience any serious health issues that cannot easily be treated with medication, you will then and only then consider what he is asking. The idea is to help him understand that to take such a drastic measure now with it's own risks is not prudent but might become prudent in the future if your health worsens.

Finally, he's chaser. Does he believe he will keep his attraction to you if you suddenly become thin?



The words are hard to say...

Saturday, July 25, 2015

Bear Abby,

I was in a committed relationship for almost two years. It was monogamous and we had our ups and downs. Things were hidden from me like drinking and smoking that my partner would lie about it on occasion. I don't mind it but when you go out of your way to hide it or drink a whole bottle of liquor I think there may be a problem. Plus, he just hid things and told a lot of half truths. Plus, half of his Facebook friends were friends he slept with. The advances he was getting online coupled with this made me think he was seeking unhealthy attention. Plus, I found out about a pass relationship he had with a family member (by marriage and same age) that went on for like 8 to 10 years. That really creeped me out. This person was also actively seeking him out too via text and email. According to him nothing ever happened but I don't trust him fully anymore or do I think I ever can. I broke it off because of the drama and I just couldn't trust him anymore. Should I have acted this way? I'm very confused and I'm just at my whits end.

-Heart Broken Bear Chub


Dear Heart Broken Bear Chub,

I understand that ending a relationship can be very painful. However, I think you did the right thing based on your description of his behavior. Whenever your partner is hiding the kinds of things you have described there is likely to be a serious problem.Be proud of yourself for having to courage to make a good decision n matter how much you did not want to.



RE: Good Job!

Sunday, June 07, 2015

Bear Abby,

I agree with No Ken Doll. I also appreciate your candor in that you are not a therapist. But you have something authentic - being fully who you are. And, unlike most therapists, even the gay ones, you are in our community and you understand us well.

I was quoting you the other day about something you have said many times: to go on many dates expecting nothing but a good time. It is a numbers game. I am dating some guys. It has taken a long time to release some insecurities enough to just relax and have fun. Although on the outside I would never admit that. The more I relax, the more positive responses I get. it is working.

Thanks for being there for many years as a supportive voice. I appreciate you. Please keep speaking out.

-Appreciation Bear


Dear Appreciation Bear,

You are very welcome. The advice I give comes from my own life experiences and from observing the lives of my friends. I will keep giving advice as long as this community wants to hear it.

This column is for entertainment purposes only, and should only be used in that context. The advice presented here is only the opinion of the author and should not be construed as professional or expert advice. The owners of this site and authors are not responsible for the decisions you make in your own life including those based on any advice presented on this site.
HeavySet Studios Videos
BearCity 2