The online community for gay chubs and chasers!




Bear Abby

From ugly dilemmas to sublime annoyances; Bear Abby has advice for all!


Not So Big Guy Needs Help

Sunday, June 05, 2016

Bear Abby,

I have written before, and you have done a great job giving advice. So I come to you again great oracle of Bigger City.

Anyways, ten months ago I went under the knife and had a VSG done. For those who don’t know a VSG is a Vertical Sleeve Gasterectomy, it was a laparoscopic procedure where close to 80% of my stomach was removed.

Yes, I had weight loss surgery.

Since July, I have lost a whole small person…161lbs and am continuing to lose. From a high of 577 to now where I am 416 getting ever so close to my goal of 277. Yes, you read that right..300lbs of total weight loss. I am currently 39lbs away from losing 200.

I had the surgery because I was one prime rib dinner away from a catastrophe.

I feel like I am stuck. Stuck in a place where I am too big for Grindr and am getting too small for Growlr. Maybe size is not the right word…I feel like I do not fit in anywhere. I have an identity crisis. Half of me just wants to wait till I get to where I want to be, and the other half wants to be social and be engaged more with the community no matter how I look.

What’s your advice??

-Fear and Loathing in Ohio


Dear Fear and Loathing in Ohio,

This is going to be difficult to do. You need to learn to be happy with yourself at whatever weight you eventually settle at. When you are comfortable with yourself the rest of it will follow naturally. Also, I disagree with you about Growlr. My experience with Growlr is that there are men of all sizes using that app. Although there is some overlap between the bear & chub communities, they are not synonymous. Not all bears are chubs and not all chubs are bears. If you are going to use that app to meet people, then you need to approach it from the bear's point of view. It's for bears and guys who like bears. A bear can be chubby, thin, husky or anywhere on that spectrum. It's a perfectably acceptable place for you to look for contacts if you are a bear at whatever weight OR if you are attracted to bears.

In other words, your issue is not with the various apps, websites, clubs, etc. Your issue is with your own identity. In the chub world 277 lbs. is merely husky or on the small side. In the bear world 277 lbs is fairly large and in the larger gay universe 277 lbs is chub to super chub. This is all a matter of perspective. Stop letting yourself be defined by other people and concentrate on being happy and healthy. Once that happens you will probably find that there will be more options for you than you have now.



Partnered and lost.

Saturday, April 23, 2016

Bear Abby,

I met my boyfriend 8 years ago at a very low point in my life, I had a bells palsy episode and lost use of half my face. We met as a hookup, he didn't judge me just accepted me how I was. A few days later we decided to start dating. It's had it ups and down over the years, and I love him a lot. However recently I have noticed that I don't really have any feelings towards him. I love him, but I don't think I'm in love with him. I have been on the site a little more lately and I'm noticing guys find me attractive where in the past I never felt that way. Though the guys that really get my motor going, aren't local, and honestly my boyfriend is by far not "my type", I don't hate his type it's just not what I imagined myself with. Also I feel like I'm more of a fetish for him. He can see me naked and get turned on, touching my body and he can get off. He looks at porn daily while at work and even when at home and jerks off daily to pics or he asks if he can touch my body, it's to the point I don't want anal and we haven't had it in 2 years. I don't know if this is a phase or should I end things and explore the world. Is it age, he is 26 and I'm 36?

-Broken on the Inside


Dear Broken on the Inside,

That feeling of being in love is fleeting. It is a hormonal response to a new partner and fades with time. Ideally it is replaced by a different, long lasting but much less intense feeling of love, affection and emotional attachment to your partner. Even if sexual interest goes away the thing that sustains the relationship is the emotional bond. This is one reason why there are a lot of gay couples who have open relationships. I don't believe your issues is age. I thinks it is unrealistic expectations. What you are describing happens at some point to virtually couple over time. If it is making you unhappy then I suggest you discuss it openly with your partner. The two of you might be candidates for an open relationship.



Top trying bottoming....

Saturday, April 23, 2016

Bear Abby,

I have a close friend that is married to a great guy. They are in an open relationship and currently live away from each other. For my friend that is here, I've kind of taken him under my wing..and stepped into the big brother role. We are close and tend to tell each other things. Last year...jokingly...he said that he wanted to be a power bottom for 2016. Jokingly...I went along with it, saying that he should go for it. If that is something that he wanted to try or do, that he should it. He is a very handsome and a charming guy..and is not lacking on getting any dates or hookups. Since he is a top and a chaser, there is a big demand for him in where I live. Earlier this year, he stepped out to grab some "green stuff" and ended up going to a local bar. There he ended up smoking and drinking up. Over the course of a couple of hours he wasn't feeling any pain. So he decided to leave for the night. When walking out, a guy asked if he needed a ride home, and my friend accepted. Once they got to his place, they ended up having sex. Since my friend was drunk and "happy" he bottomed for this guy. When my friend told me, I got very upset, like someone had punched me. And I'm confused on why am I feeling this way. its been several weeks since this happened, but it still bothers me. I've been supportive to my friend but had told him that what he did bothered me. But should it have? am I being over protective? Should I just let it go?

-confused friend


Dear confused friend,

I think you need to sort out why your friend's story about his encounter upsets you. Is it because you feel he was taken advantage of or abused? Is it because you are jealous and wish you could have a sexual relationship with him? If your concern is really due to fear that your friend's behavior was risky and could have resulted in real harm to him then being upset about might be justified. However, if it is due to jealousy then you need to own up that with him. If you are physically attracted to him then you should tell him so. It is not fair to withhold that information from him if it is true.

This column is for entertainment purposes only, and should only be used in that context. The advice presented here is only the opinion of the author and should not be construed as professional or expert advice. The owners of this site and authors are not responsible for the decisions you make in your own life including those based on any advice presented on this site.
Bulk Male