The online community for gay chubs and chasers!




Bear Abby

From ugly dilemmas to sublime annoyances; Bear Abby has advice for all!


Partnered and lost.

Saturday, April 23, 2016

Bear Abby,

I met my boyfriend 8 years ago at a very low point in my life, I had a bells palsy episode and lost use of half my face. We met as a hookup, he didn't judge me just accepted me how I was. A few days later we decided to start dating. It's had it ups and down over the years, and I love him a lot. However recently I have noticed that I don't really have any feelings towards him. I love him, but I don't think I'm in love with him. I have been on the site a little more lately and I'm noticing guys find me attractive where in the past I never felt that way. Though the guys that really get my motor going, aren't local, and honestly my boyfriend is by far not "my type", I don't hate his type it's just not what I imagined myself with. Also I feel like I'm more of a fetish for him. He can see me naked and get turned on, touching my body and he can get off. He looks at porn daily while at work and even when at home and jerks off daily to pics or he asks if he can touch my body, it's to the point I don't want anal and we haven't had it in 2 years. I don't know if this is a phase or should I end things and explore the world. Is it age, he is 26 and I'm 36?

-Broken on the Inside


Dear Broken on the Inside,

That feeling of being in love is fleeting. It is a hormonal response to a new partner and fades with time. Ideally it is replaced by a different, long lasting but much less intense feeling of love, affection and emotional attachment to your partner. Even if sexual interest goes away the thing that sustains the relationship is the emotional bond. This is one reason why there are a lot of gay couples who have open relationships. I don't believe your issues is age. I thinks it is unrealistic expectations. What you are describing happens at some point to virtually couple over time. If it is making you unhappy then I suggest you discuss it openly with your partner. The two of you might be candidates for an open relationship.



Top trying bottoming....

Saturday, April 23, 2016

Bear Abby,

I have a close friend that is married to a great guy. They are in an open relationship and currently live away from each other. For my friend that is here, I've kind of taken him under my wing..and stepped into the big brother role. We are close and tend to tell each other things. Last year...jokingly...he said that he wanted to be a power bottom for 2016. Jokingly...I went along with it, saying that he should go for it. If that is something that he wanted to try or do, that he should it. He is a very handsome and a charming guy..and is not lacking on getting any dates or hookups. Since he is a top and a chaser, there is a big demand for him in where I live. Earlier this year, he stepped out to grab some "green stuff" and ended up going to a local bar. There he ended up smoking and drinking up. Over the course of a couple of hours he wasn't feeling any pain. So he decided to leave for the night. When walking out, a guy asked if he needed a ride home, and my friend accepted. Once they got to his place, they ended up having sex. Since my friend was drunk and "happy" he bottomed for this guy. When my friend told me, I got very upset, like someone had punched me. And I'm confused on why am I feeling this way. its been several weeks since this happened, but it still bothers me. I've been supportive to my friend but had told him that what he did bothered me. But should it have? am I being over protective? Should I just let it go?

-confused friend


Dear confused friend,

I think you need to sort out why your friend's story about his encounter upsets you. Is it because you feel he was taken advantage of or abused? Is it because you are jealous and wish you could have a sexual relationship with him? If your concern is really due to fear that your friend's behavior was risky and could have resulted in real harm to him then being upset about might be justified. However, if it is due to jealousy then you need to own up that with him. If you are physically attracted to him then you should tell him so. It is not fair to withhold that information from him if it is true.



What to do about Furry Queens?

Sunday, February 07, 2016

Bear Abby,

hi, I have a question regarding the Bear community specifically. I have been to several bear events here in Dublin, Ireland but more often than not I find that the Bears at these events seem very much huddled in their own groups with no intention of speaking to ANYONE apart from their own gangs. I find them quite rude and to be frank - stuck up!

I go to these get togethers mostly to meet and greet new people and make a few friends cause I'm new to the scene. But most of the time, I could start talking to them with a casual greeting, and try introduce myself to them. They often tend to either turn their backs to me literally! or give one quick response and go back to their friend on the other side of the table I could be standing at. - Very rude to say the least.

Bottom line is this...
What am I doing wrong? How do I get in with these Furry Queens of Bears?! Its very frustrating, at times it almost feels like some sort of internal discrimination against cubs/chasers, like they wont even give you the time of day! I thought the gay community was supposed to be unified with ALL variations within the community! What do I do?

-new kid on the block


Dear new kid on the block,

I am sorry to hear that bear events in Ireland are so clique-ish. Although I have been to Ireland, I was a teenager at the time and not exposed to gay life there so I don't have any real knowledge of the bear scene in Dublin. Instead of bear events you might want to try to find chub events rather than bear events. I realize that right now the only event listed in Ireland is Bear Feile but you might want to look to other nearby countries and in particular check out European Convergence. Also, you should probably try meeting others online with mobile apps such as GROWLr.

This column is for entertainment purposes only, and should only be used in that context. The advice presented here is only the opinion of the author and should not be construed as professional or expert advice. The owners of this site and authors are not responsible for the decisions you make in your own life including those based on any advice presented on this site.
Bulk Male